Now that Ridley Scott has proven you can still make a lot of money mining Classical Greco-Roman culture for cool sword-fights and shit, Christopher Nolan has apparently decided to make and is in fact already filming an adaptation of Homer’s Odyssey, the book you Spark Notes’d in school because America’s education system has failed to instill the most basic work ethic or love of learning in most of this country (along with grade level reading and math skills).
This thing is already filming and seems to have everybody: Spiderman (Holland), Batman (Pattinson), Lupita (N’yongo), Furiosa (the good one), Chani (Zendaya), John Leguizamo (Literally angry everyone in this movie is not Latino), Corey Hawkins (Dr. Dre in Straight Outta Compton), Mia Goth (who? Somebody important…), Elliot Page (trans quip), One of the Uncut Gems Guys (Benjamin Safdie), a bunch of The Walking Dead motherfuckers, other people I don’t know, Anne Hathaway (who dost hath a way of being forgettable) and some guy from Boston (Not Jeremy Renner or Afleck).
Why the fuck is nobody Greek in this fucking movie? Cultural Appropriation! I mean, they’re white, but actually.
Look, I love the Odyssey, and have read it maybe 3-4 times in multiple translations since high school (Fitzgerald v. Wilson? Anyone?), but Hollywood is bad at this kind of thing and I fully expect a $250 million flop. Remember Tenet? Didn’t think so. Remember Troy, yes, the Brad Pitt Troy? Ugh. But while we can definitely expect Hermes the Guide of Souls to escort a few careers to the Underworld on this one, or worse, an Odyssey Extended Universe if it actually makes money, I’m saddened to inform you that an actor much beloved by this blog has been added to this probably-terrible-maybe-mid Cleopatra waiting to happen (look it up, it almost bankrupted Fox in the 60s).
The Perils of Navigation
Fresh from escaping “the Japans” after rebuilding the Erasmus, John Blackthorne unfortunately sailed into some Assassin’s Creed-style time warp and is now in the Nodyssey (we’re calling it that). No, I’m not riffing on that weird Templars v. Assassins bullshit, nor do I care what the “Animus” is. Move along. Who is he playing? Fuck if I know. He literally joined in the middle of filming, so it’s probably a bit part. Or he’s Polyphemus the Cyclops. Just run with it. We’ll keep you posted should more intelligence arrive by carrier pigeon. Jarvis is in a lot of movies this year, and I’m becoming skeptical he’ll be back for season 2 of Shogun at this rate of work. That would suck. Perhaps in such a case Hiroto Kanai can take his head?
Whatever. Read the spiel.
The Spiel
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